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  • Iona Stuart

It’s July?*

Happy Monday, everyone!


When I awoke this morning, the first thing that shot into my head was, ‘it’s… July?’


It’s July, guys.


JULY.


(Okay, now I’ve typed that word so much it doesn’t seem like a word anymore.)


For a lot of people, this might seem sort of obvious; it’s what the calendar says, it’s just a month, what’s the big deal? Well, for me, the big deal is that my brain is very much stuck in the mindset of July… 2017.


Due to the things that have taken place in my life over the past few months (or, perhaps, to some extent, the lack of things), my brain is still living in last summer – the majority of my thoughts, emotions, and memories are all tied to things that took place at that time – and to wake up and see that it’s now been a whole year since those things actually happened is totally mind-boggling.


How come the things that I’m pretty sure happened within the last six months feel hazy, when things that happened around 365 days ago stand out starkly in my brain as if they were taking place in the present moment? Even when I look at pictures on my phone – from April to August 2017 I have 167 pictures; from January 2018 to now I have 15 – there appears to be an obvious contrast between the times that are spent alive and living, and times that I’ve spent immobilized (due to MS relapse) and waiting for life to start again.


The irritating this with this, however, is that when the odd positive thing does take place, it gets buried under the months of gray inactivity, and my internal algorithms largely fail to extract these things from their negative and indifferent neighbors.


I can see the sense that my brain seems to have in choosing to hold onto the things that constitute living, and discarding the months spent staring at a computer screen within the same four walls. I understand that my head has a limited storage space, and likes to have impromptu clear-outs every so often; I just wish I had more say in it.


*edited repost from original website

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